Acceptance Speech, Circa 2015

 (Inspired by where our time and attention are really focused.)

First and foremost, I would like to thank my iPhone. There is no greater force in my life than my iPhone. You’re there for me every moment of every day. You tuck me in at night often watching over me with a bright light holding on to everything I might otherwise miss while I sleep. Then, as reliable as the sunrise, you’re there to greet me when I awaken ready to spend every second of the coming day together.

I’d also like to thank the wine and beer in my life. If it wasn’t for you my celebrations and sorrows would be void for sure. There’s nothing I cannot accomplish without you or more accurately, you’re there whether I do or do not accomplish anything. I truly value your unwavering presence in my life.

During those rough patches, when things aren’t going so well, I would be remiss if I did not thank the ice cream and chocolate. Somehow, magically, knows just how to dry up my tears, at least for 15 minutes or so.

I’d also like to thank my car and house because without you I would not be able to express my joy. You are the truest symbol of accomplishment. Even though you came into my life before I was ready and have remained ever since, I now know the only way we will part is if there is an economic meltdown.

Finally, I’d like to thank all of the people in my life that I’ve bullied and berated in order to get where I am today. My harsh words toward you gave me the power to persevere and reach my ultimate goal of money and fame. There is nothing more powerful than words and the hurt they help inflict.

Thank you.


I’m Sorry

24 hours after the Boston Marathon explosions people are expressing their thoughts and prayers through social media. How can you not?

Boston Marathon 2013 Explosion

One Boston Marathoner’s devastation after the explosion.

Lives have been changed forever, in a bad way, because someone or some group couldn’t simply look the other way.

Why, why, why do people feel the only way to voice their opinion is to inflict harm on others? Physical, Mental and Emotional harm that may never be reversed. Yes, we know that is your goal. How sad for you.


I’m sorry your life is so miserable that the only way to feel better about yourself is to hurt others. I’m sorry you cannot take responsibility for the way your life has turned out. I’m sorry you feel so much hate when really what’s probably missing in your life is love. I’m sorry you choose to be ignorant and never understand you have choices. I’m sorry you didn’t get help before deciding to hurt others.


Unfortunately, incidents like this may never stop. Whether at home or abroad, people feel compelled to express their beliefs by harming others. No gun law can stop shootings, no amount of security can protect public gatherings just like no pill can make you fit, fluent in a foreign language, proficient with a musical instrument or a genius.


We, as a society, need to address the root cause(s) or we’ll never make any true progress. And if it sounds too hard, well, look at the alternative…. carnage.


What are the root causes? Stay tuned…. I’ll get to them, eventually. Until then, PEACE.