Acceptance Speech, Circa 2015

 (Inspired by where our time and attention are really focused.)

First and foremost, I would like to thank my iPhone. There is no greater force in my life than my iPhone. You’re there for me every moment of every day. You tuck me in at night often watching over me with a bright light holding on to everything I might otherwise miss while I sleep. Then, as reliable as the sunrise, you’re there to greet me when I awaken ready to spend every second of the coming day together.

I’d also like to thank the wine and beer in my life. If it wasn’t for you my celebrations and sorrows would be void for sure. There’s nothing I cannot accomplish without you or more accurately, you’re there whether I do or do not accomplish anything. I truly value your unwavering presence in my life.

During those rough patches, when things aren’t going so well, I would be remiss if I did not thank the ice cream and chocolate. Somehow, magically, knows just how to dry up my tears, at least for 15 minutes or so.

I’d also like to thank my car and house because without you I would not be able to express my joy. You are the truest symbol of accomplishment. Even though you came into my life before I was ready and have remained ever since, I now know the only way we will part is if there is an economic meltdown.

Finally, I’d like to thank all of the people in my life that I’ve bullied and berated in order to get where I am today. My harsh words toward you gave me the power to persevere and reach my ultimate goal of money and fame. There is nothing more powerful than words and the hurt they help inflict.

Thank you.

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